"During a recent workshop, a discussion around expectations brought to light the prevalence and pressure related to how we "ought" to be. Expectations rise up and follow us from every corner of our lives--including, or even especially, the inner ones. Indeed, we often internalize societal or family expectations to the point that we don't need anyone to tell us anymore. Even when there's nothing "making us" do a certain thing or be a certain way, we impose limitations on ourselves nonetheless.
One participant noticed that she finds herself playing a role, rather than being the person she is, who happens to be doing the thing she's doing. The thinking goes something like, "How should a business owner (or teacher, computer programmer, mother, artist, meditation instructor, etc.) think...or act...or look, or dress, or speak?" This sort of question yields answers that are narrow and limiting, rather than expansive and creative.
Contrast that with, "How can I be who I am while I'm running a business (or interacting with students, or writing code, etc.)?" The focus shifts away from the role I'm playing--an identity based on one small aspect of my life--and encompasses the complex and unique being that I am. The reframing of this single question elicits a sense of relief; the burden of fitting into some preconceived and "acceptable" mold is lifted, allowing for a sense of curiosity, wonder, and appreciation to take its place.
Expectations are not inherently a bad thing. It can be helpful to have a point of reference or a sense of security. So how do you know if expectations are having a detrimental effect? Expectations might be running the show if...
what you think you ought to do conflicts with what you really want to do
you stand by traditions that hold you back rather than help you grow
a sense of disconnect is your constant companion
Take some time to think about your typical thought patterns, how things usually play out in a given situation, ingrained beliefs you carry about what is permissible or possible, and any other signs that expectations have usurped authenticity. Notice your current experience, and reflect on what you'd like to experience instead.
When you align yourself with who you really are and what you really want, you dramatically increase your ability to be present, because you're no longer suppressing what is right for you in order to "go along" with what's expected."
